Finding an Identity

            I thought it was interesting that Rudolfo Anaya, in his book Bless Me, Ultima, decided to write from the perspective of a seven-year-old.  Children this young are very impressionable, but are also at the age where they can begin to think for themselves and form their own opinions.  It seems to me, though, that Antonio grew up considerably within the first two chapters of the book after he witnessed the death of Lupito.  He is exposed to a group of men caught in the trap of a mob:  one that is looking for blood from a murderer who has acted wrongly because he has PTSD.  When Antonio is unable to give Lupito the official Act of Contrition before he dies, he questions his mother’s wish for him to become a priest.  Would God listen to his prayer for Lupito even though he had never been to catechism?  Would this one ‘almost’ act haunt him for the rest of his life?

            After this death, Antonio begins to question his Christian faith.  Even though Lupito’s death plays a role in this, the differing beliefs of his mother, father, Ultima, and, to some extent, his brothers, have the greatest effect on Antonio’s misgivings.  Antonio’s father is not as religious as his mother, and also comes from a different way of life; that of the vaquero.  Ultima, too, is not as staunch of a Catholic as his mother, but is very well connected to the Earth and always asks the plants’ permission before she uses them for her remedies.  Antonio’s changed perception of his older brothers also contributes to this questioning, especially when he finds out that Andrew is spending time with the girls who work at Rosie’s place. 

            Beyond these contrasts in his life, Antonio comes into contact with the Golden Carp, a fish he views almost as an alternate god.  The fulfillment he gets from being around the Golden Carp differs from what he experiences when he takes the Eucharist.  He has high expectations for the traditional Catholic ritual, but never fully feels the presence of God when he eats the body of Christ.  At the end of the story the reader does not find out what paths Antonio decides to follow.  His search for identity, in a way, becomes universal, or one to which most people can compare themselves. 

            Searching for religious and self identity is an aspect of Bless Me, Ultima that acted as a mirror for me.  When I began college, I struggled to understand my professed religion and to find what goals I should set for my life.  Like Antonio, however, I found out that there are sometimes questions that don’t have answers.  Investigating purpose and destiny, then, is a life-long task.